A Once in a Life Time Moment.

Ok...so I'm giving you a once in a life time moment. I know, you are eagerly waiting on the edge of your seats. Ask me anything...ANYTHING and I'll answer it. I figure, or I should say I know a lot of people read this but never post, so if you want to know something about me. Why I fucked you over? Why I didn't go out with you? Why I own all of the Britney c.d.'s? Well, just ask and I'll answer. If no one asks, then of course I'll move on to other subjects and you will have missed your one time chance.

Save a Horse...What the Fuck am I Talking About?

So here I am. It's a late night on...well I guess early Saturday morning. Looks like I won't be getting up for cartoons today. What a night it was. I won money on penny slots so I could keep drinking Gentleman Jack. He was so nice to me.

Now don't get any thoughts of me drinking all the time, alone. I think it was just a special night. Sometimes we all need those nights and instead of staying at hope eating Ben and Jerry's ice-cream, watching Beaches I went out and enjoyed a couple of drinks. I went to bar to bar, and for some strange reason I avoided the strip clubs. By the end of the night, after drinking in a small irish type pub (who by the way hooked me up with drinks) ended up at a country western bar. This is what I had to say...I hope you enjoy.

Let Go. By John Doe

I'm sitting here in a dark room listening to music. I've emailed everyone I know, even people I don't know but saw their names on forwards received by people who think that I'd enjoy them...even though I hate them. I'm sitting here sweating, like I always do in this room. I've had ten thousand glasses of water and the quench is still there. I would try drinking something else but I know I would get the same results. So what do I do? Do I stay up all night asking myself hypothetical questions? Questions I ask but don't really want an answer? Why don't I want the answer? Is it something that I know I want to hear? Is it something I don't want to hear? Six questions into it and I'm still at the same place. I still haven't passed go to collect the two hundred dollars I need to get out of this jail that I'm in right now. That's all I need, but it seems that when you need it the most, it's always the hardest to get. I don't get that. I guess if it was easy, everyone would be doing it and then it wouldn't be that special. If we all did the same thing where would the innocence be? I'm sure it would be sitting in the jail cell next to me, but the only thing is, it's blind and deaf and I don't have the patience to teach it to speak. So I’ll sit here and wait. Waiting for someone, anyone to bail me out of jail, marking the days on the cold, concrete wall with a broken piece of metal.

The End of an Era...Or is it???

It is now 3:27 in the a.m. I know it's late because I'm listening to Stern... first run (they re-air it at six). That's always a bad sign. The next bad sign is when I can see the sun begin to shine through my window. Luckily, that won't be for a couple more hours.

Being born in 1977, I was never able to see all of the original Star Wars movies in the theater. I do remember seeing Return of the Jedi with my mom and brothers. I didn't know what was going on, but I loved it. Tonight marks the end of the new, original trilogy. It was everything that I had hoped for and more. Why? Well the main reason is that I was so sick of hearing people, mainly older friends, complain how badly episodes I and II were, that this one will hopefully put their foot in their mouth. With any story, there is an act I, II and III. I don't know what people expected. I'm sure they wanted Lucas to jump right to Darth Vader. When you look at it in the long run, everything makes sense. Lucas had his mind set and whether you want to accept it or not, they are there.

I could go on all night but I'm not. You can tell me that Jar-Jar Binks was a fucking waste of space. The love story was pointless. But this guy's not hearing it. So go out, enjoy the third movie. Don't fear it. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you. So stop it already. Why are you still reading this? GO!!!

Episode III: Revenge of the Writer

Episode II: Attack of the Stud

Episode I: The Phantom Post

Dave Chappelle, You So Crazy.

Wow...that was one of my more popular posts. In fact, I think it is the most popular one. Wow, the pressure. Now people are going to expect that kind of quality out of me each and every time now. What should I do? Will I break down? Can I handle the pressure? I'm not sure...I may have to commit myself into a mental health facility in South America...wait...somebody already did that. Dave Chappelle. Did you like that lead in...I am quite proud of myself.

Comedy Central has postponed season three of the Chappelle Show…twice. Apparently there is no say on whether or not it will ever see the light of day. It is not certain on why he did this. Of course the rumors are flying; drug rehab, mental break down, etc. I mean a fifty million dollar check would put a lot of pressure on anyone. I put pressure on myself to make people laugh and I do it for free…sometimes I even pay them to laugh at me. But do you want to know my theory? I think he is sick. I really do… sick of people coming up to him and saying, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” or asking “So do you like to piss on your wife too, just like you sang about when you made fun of R. Kelly?” I’d get sick of that too.

In all honesty, I see celebrities as people. So when I see them out in public I don’t go up and talk to them. Why? Because I don’t know them. I wouldn’t want random people I didn’t know coming up and talking to me. Why? Because I don’t know them. The press says that it’s part of their duties as being a celebrity. To please their fans and their audience. Nobody forced them to become actors and yes that is true, but they found something that they really enjoy doing. I know it's not brain surgery, but it's a job. I really don't care if "Britney washes her own car," or "Brad drinks coffee just like us." No shit, ya think, because I do the same thing. I'm just like them.

My point being is that pressure can be good, pressure can be bad. It's like drinking...a beer or two is good for the heart, but if you drink ten beers every day for a month, not so good. So Dave, I'm sure everyone and their mother has given you advice and suggestions...but fuck em. What do they know. If checking yourself into a mental institution is what floats your boat and will help you find peace, more power to you...bitch!

The Atkins-Friendly Diet is No “Friend” of Mine.

“Why don’t you go on a diet?”
“Because I like to eat. Is that such a crime?”
Jack Black – School of Rock


I was at a friend’s place the other night and he offered me some ice cream. Having a sweet tooth I took him up on it. Mint Chocolate Chip, one of my favorites, but after the first bite I started looking for the hidden cameras. This is not Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, this is not even food. The chocolate chips tasted like chalk and even though the ice cream was frozen, it tasted room temperature in my mouth.

“What’s wrong with this ice-cream?,” I ask in a confused state of mind.
“Oh, it’s Atkins-Friendly ice cream.”
“Why does it taste so bad?”
“It’s not that bad.”

Oh but it was that bad. In fact ladies and gentlemen, it was terrible. Why would they want to make ice cream taste bad? Why would they want to make it look like ice cream was good for you? And this event opened my eyes. It was like I was in a slumber for a very, very long time and I started to notice other things around me.

I was at Burger King waiting in line, waiting to buy a nice greasy chicken sandwich and some onion rings (because that’s what you do at a fast food place). It was when I looked to my right and saw that they had an Atkins-Friendly burger.
First of all, it’s taboo to eat a burger without the bun. Second, it’s a burger from Burger King. I doubt that it’s the cream of the crop of meat so just because there are no carbs in it, it doesn’t mean that it’s gonna be great for the ol’ ticker
There was another time I was sitting on the couch drinking a delicious Coca-Cola when I saw a commercial on t.v. for the new C2, which is a new Coke product that has half the carbs of a regular Coke. It had people jumping out of their cars, with “I Want to Break Free” by Queen in the back ground, revolting from the harsh days of regular Coke and it’s “evil” carbs.
They are trying to make C2 look healthier then Coke, which I guess in some weird way it is, but in the long run people, IT’S STILL SODA. This isn’t something that your body needs to survive. You can either have a really sugary soda with lots of carbs, or you can have a really sugary soda with half the carbs. It’s your choice.
And the list goes on and on and on of junk food type related items. They even have low-carb beers. The last thing I’m thinking about when I drink a beer is my carb intake. It is as pointless as buying non-alcoholic beer.
So why am I seeing these junk food items presented to me in an Atkins healthy manner? This was starting to look like one of those get rich scams. You know the type where they say, “It’s really easy to do, there is little work involved and the final results will amaze you.” In all honesty I have seen people lose some weight on it. So it can’t be that bad can it? So I emailed my good friend Bram Spitael and asked why we needed carbohydrates and why is the Atkins diet so popular and this is what he replied,

“In a nutshell, your body NEEDS carbohydrates because it's our number one source of energy. But maybe even more importantly, if you don't care about having energy, you will have one heck of a hard time getting the proper nutrition (i.e. vitamins, minerals, fiber, etc.) from a predominantly protein rich diet. It's your fruits, veggies, legumes, beans, whole grains that contain most of the bulk of these all important nutrients that you simply can not replace by popping a multi-vitamin/mineral supplement while on the Atkins diet. A balanced diet helps your immune system, metabolism, reduces heart disease, lowers risk of certain cancers, energy system,
The problem with the Atkins diet is that it works. People LOVE results and will sacrifice the above mentioned benefits from a balanced diet for the quick fix Atkins diet. Who doesn't LOVE a breakfast of eggs, ham, bacon every morning? A cheeseburger for lunch and a big juicy steak for dinner? See ya in the hospital in about 5 years when all that artery clogging saturated fat finally blocks your arteries!
Bottom line, get OFF your LAZY FAT ASS and do some MODERATE exercise, EAT healthy 5 or 6 days a week, and PIG OUT once or twice a week and vegetate.”

And that paragraph did it for me. There is a difference between eating good and dieting. Eating good is a nice chicken breast, some rice and some steamed vegetables. Dieting is something people do as a New Years resolution or right before it’s time to go to the beach for the Summer. It’s something that you kind of want to do but not put the time into it and this is why the Atkins diet is such a big craze. That’s why it hasn’t faded away like other things such as tight rolling jeans and parachute pants.
The Atkins diet is the lazy man’s diet and that’s why they are gearing it towards people who like to eat. These big time corporations distribute these “friendly” foods for you. The Atkins diet allows you to eat whatever you want, as much as you want, just as long as you don’t eat carbs.
So why do I hate this Atkins diet so much? Well besides the fact that it’s not good for you and is totally going against the Four Food groups that everybody learned in first grade, remember the one that told us to eat our fruits and vegetables, dairy, meat and oh yeah, grains? It’s tainting one of the last pure things that I have left in my life, and that is junk food. It’s one of my guilty pleasures and I want to enjoy a Snickers bar from time to time and don’t want to worry about how many carbs are in it.
I’m not one to preach but you got to open your eyes America. It’s time to take back what is ours. It’s time to say, “I got to break free,” from this Atkins diet and come back to reality. You can’t have both. You can’t have junk food that’s good for you. It’s time to make a choice. I don’t care what they say to you, no matter what, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, even if it is Atkins-Friendly.

Dead? To Be Continued...

Like Pogs and Slammers and Fruity St. Ides...my blog has lost the powerful force that drove it. Why is this?

Route 66

You know what's really weird is seeing someone you haven't seen in a long time. You know what's weirder then that? Seeing a girl you haven't seen in a long time. And do you want to know what tops that? What tops it all? It’s seeing a girl, that you used to sleep with, that you haven't seen in a long time, and meeting her finance for the first time two days before their wedding.

The countdown has begun. They are coming to Vegas to get married. They have a kid together. They are happy and for some strange reason, all I can think of is that I was the last person she slept with before the guy she's going to marry. I’m the last representation of her single life. Now call me egotistical. Call me paranoid. Call me Dan. All I'm saying is that it's going to be an interesting situation. I don't know how open their relationship is. I don't know what he knows about me. All I know is that he doesn't know me, he's big and strong and I don't know what kind of guy he is after a couple of drinks.

I can say that we didn't date (well she may tell you a different story, since women tend to think differently then men), she's a great person (I mean I wouldn't still chat with her if she wasn't) and that they are getting married (that is self explanatory) And It's not that I wasn't important in her life, it's that there's another 1,897,446,000,984,322,400 miles left on her journey and I'm just a big, fat, juicy bug on the windshield, not slowing her down, but just a reminder of the previous miles she's traveled.

A New Recipe For Preparing Eggs. by Dave

Alright gang, I'm back from L.A. I have some good stuff for you but we'll have to wait until I catch up on some beauty sleep. Lord knows I need it, a lot of it. So until then, enjoy this delicious recipe by a good friend of ours here At The Corner Bar.


Everyone has eaten eggs before, everyone knows how to prepare eggs for a tasty “anytime” treat. Simply crack an egg into a hot pan and let it cook until the “white” becomes solid, and depending on your personal preference, it can be flipped or simply removed from the pan without any need to turn it over and cook its top side. These egg preparation techniques are called “over easy” and “sunnyside” up respectively. Or, depending upon how long left to cook after flipped, “over medium” and “over hard.”

Well, I must report that I’ve discovered a new way to prepare these tasty little menstrual cycle byproducts. I don’t simply throw the little lost hopes of life into a hot frying pan. First I pull out a bowl and crack the egg and put it, yoke and all, into the bowl. The great thing about this recipe is that you can use as many eggs as you desire. Simply include in the bowl a tablespoon of milk per aborted chicken fetus. I really don’t know how much milk to include, I just poor from the gallon until it feels right. But I’m guessing that equals about a tablespoon, or quarter cup per egg.

Then take out a fork and vigorously stir the eggs and milk together. Don’t go to long or it will turn to butter. You didn’t know that every time you enjoy a slice of butter you are contributing to the deaths of untold numbers of unborn baby chickens? Did you, you heartless bastard.

Now for the first time you heat up your frying pan and poor the concoction of death inside. Grab a spatula, and as the flesh begins to cook scrap it off the pan’s bottom. Don’t worry about damaging the eggs, they are dead anyway. Just mix those little snuffed out beating hearts up while they cook in the pan. They will slowly begin to turn from the yellow blood like liquid into a light chunky mass. When done they look like fluffy yellow clouds on a clear summer day.

Your eggs are ready to enjoy. Remove them from the pan, placing them on a small dinner plate. They are best served with a slice of toast. You may want to add some salt and pepper.

I call them, “mixed up eggs,” you heartless, baby killing, fuck.

Enjoy!