How to Talk to Someone Who Claims They Know How to Talk to Girls.

I'm 32 years old and relationships never get easier with age.  As a kid I used to think I'd find my soul mate in high school, be married by 22 and have children.  Pretty simple right?  Then I went through puberty and that way of thinking went to shit.  Because when it comes down to it, no matter what anyone says, it is never that simple.  

So why the fuck should I take advice from nine year old Alec Greven, author of the book "How to Talk to Girls?"  I'm not.  In fact, it angers me that this book can be found at Barnes & Nobles.  I get it, I get that some book executive saw dollar signs at this gimmick.  And that the media ate this up.  He's been on numerous talk shows and The New York Post even considered this news.  The New York Post!  But it doesn't mean I have to buy into all the hype.

So I took a deep breath from my anger rant and actually read what this kid had to say and this is the final conclusion that I came to...Americans are idiots and their asses must be sore from jumping on the latest bandwagon.

"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."

I don't even know what this means?  Are they leaking some kind of fluid and need lubrication?  Are they not getting something changed every 2,000 miles? 

"As for his own love life, he said he is not dating anyone at the moment. 'I'm a little too young,' he confessed." 

Oh really?  He's a little too young?  Why would I take advice from someone who doesn't even date?  Would I take Neurological advice from someone who has never studied a brain?  No.  In fact, this kid's a fraud when it comes down to it.  He's quick to give advice but he's not brave enough to jump into it himself.  

"Alec - who just finished a children's book on the Watergate scandal - said he wants to be a full-time writer when he grows up, with a weekend job in archaeology or paleontology."

...

"The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."

What is a regular girl?  I feel like this kid is telling me to settle.  To stay away from a pretty girl because pretty girls are "mean" and may "call you bad names," but I got news for you kid...there are some regular girls who are coldhearted.  There are ugly girls with zits on their necks that are coldhearted.  There are paraplegics, women in coma's, mom's, grandmothers and even astronauts that are coldhearted.  So please don't tell me that there is a specific kind of woman to stay away from because at the end of the day, it's all a gamble.  

You have to put yourself out there to find what you are looking for.  It's gonna fucking sting at times, burn and just turn your world upside down.  You're going to hate it all and love it all at the same time because that's what dating is all about.  But when you find that woman, the one who doesn't mind that you still eat hot dogs.  The one that understands how passionate you are about things that don't deserve passion.  That girl you love spending time with, even when you do nothing on a Sunday...it will all be worth it at the end of the day.  This I can promise you.  So there's no need to saddle up because this is not a gimmick.    

The Word by Tony Hoagland

The Word

                by Tony Hoagland

 

Down near the bottom

of the crossed-out list

of things you have to do today,

between “green thread”

and “broccoli,” you find

that you have penciled “sunlight.”

Resting on the page, the word

is beautiful. It touches you

as if you had a friend

and sunlight were a present

he had sent from someplace distant

as this morning—to cheer you up,

and to remind you that,

among your duties, pleasure

is a thing

 

that also needs accomplishing.

Do you remember?

that time and light are kinds

of love, and love

is no less practical

than a coffee grinder

or a safe spare tire?

Tomorrow you may be utterly

without a clue,

but today you get a telegram

from the heart in exile,

proclaiming that the kingdom

still exists,

the king and queen alive,

still speaking to their children,

—to any one among them

who can find the time

to sit out in the sun and listen.

And this is why I write.  This is why writer's write.  Because there will always be days when you feel neglected, beat down and just plain lost.  You won't have a clue on what your next step will be and a poem finds it's way in front of you.  Something written by an author you have never heard of, sent by a friend you haven't talked to in years.  And you read it once.  You read  it twice and you continue reading it until it feels like it's a saying that has been passed down in your family from generation to generation.   

Days like these are days that you have to believe that tomorrow's light will be brighter and warmer than it currently feels on your face.  

To be patient.

That's why I write.