Summer Camp Syndrome

When I was younger, around the age of 11, I went to Summer Camp. It was one of those experiences that every kid should try because there's something about it that challenges you. It's the first time you are away from your family. It's the first time that you are away from all of your friends. My friend Terry Hardwick was going there with his cousin and at the time I wasn't aware that we weren't going to be in the same cabin. For some strange reason, call it random numerical statistics, call it what you want, Terry and I were not in the same cabin and I did not like the feeling of being alone.

I was stuck in a cabin, bottom bunk, with a bunch of kids who I did not know, who did not know me. We were forced to be roommates, friends for they length of the stay. It was a bond that was forced rather than organically coming together. I did not know these kids, I did not want these kids to know me.

So many factors in this thing were wrong; the food sucked, I was in a cabin, I was at camp...the list goes on. Two days into Summer Camp I broke down. I remember laying in my bed, and tears started pouring down the side of my face. It was something that I was trying to hold in but the emotions were just too strong and I started crying. The kids around me were scared for they did not know why I was crying. The cabin counselor came over to me and took me outside. I remember sitting there crying, wanting to go home because I hated it here. There was nothing here to offer. He told me to stick with it one more day, that if I still felt the same way by the end of the next day, we'd call my parents and I could go home. I thought that was a fair enough deal because I knew for sure I was going home the next day so what was another 24 hours?

The next day, knowing that I could leave, brought something different to the experience. For some reason, after getting it all out, I started enjoying myself. We played capture the flag, we went swimming in the lake. Later on that day, my cabin mates started talking about horror movies, something I had never seen before. They described each movie with great detail, that made me want to see them all and eventually I did. It was wear I found a love for horror movies, from a place that scared me to death.

Eighteen years later I sit in an empty apartment in L.A. My clothes and random belongings piled up in the corner. The time I felt in Summer Camp the first two days are overwhelming my body right now. I want to roll up in a ball in the corner and cry myself to sleep but I've learned from the time I was in camp that sitting around doing nothing will get me no where. I sit with tears in my eyes, struggling, looking for work. Pushing myself because I know that in time this will all pass. Knowing in time that this overwhelming feeling will soon go away. Knowing in time that if I still don't like it I can go home.

I know that millions of people have come to L.A. feeling the exact same way that I have these last two days. All with the same dream of making it in the "biz" or just making enough money to pay the bills and survive. I have struggled a lot these last two days, contemplating questions about myself; Is this the right town for me? If I want to write, can't I do this where ever I want to? I've been going so long chasing this that I think I've missed out on a certain happiness that you can't get from a job, no matter how much you love your job because a job can't love you back. I am going forward because this is what I have to do right now, because I have that option to leave if I want to.

I keep going because I have friends and family supporting me. I have belief from a woman, from the opposite end of this country that is so great and strong that it reaches me here on the other coast. That truly cares and supports my decisions and that is stronger than any thing imaginable. To quote Ben Harper, "Nothing is as beautiful as when she believes in me," which is true. I can't fail in her eyes right now, no matter what kind of work I do and there is nothing I can say or write that really defines what it means to me.

Change is always hard. Life is always going to be hard but this time, not like at Summer Camp, I am not alone. This time I have support bigger than the camp, bigger than this planet and I am ok with that.