How could I not write about this? The only problem that I have right now is writing about this wonder of science and miracle story or being a complete asshole. Why can't I combine the best of both worlds? I can...we all win.Isabelle Dinoire, a 38 year old mother of two, made her first public appearance today after her face transplant six weeks ago. I mean look at her...she's so beautiful. Dinoire stated in her appearance, "I want to have a normal life again." I'm sorry but you will never live a normal life again. Look at you...you have the face...the face of a model. The paparazzi will now follow you everywhere, seeing what hot spots you are hitting. You'll never have to pay for anything again and thank god George Clooney is still single. You have a chance...you really do. Yeah right, and then she woke up from her drug induced state.
If you don't know the whole story, apparently she took some "pills" to help her sleep better because she was having a hard time. That must have been some good shit if she didn't wake up while her dog was eating her face. I mean, what makes a dog eat someone's face? Did she put peanut butter on it? Did she just go the tanner and instead of putting on lotion, she put on butter? She didn't even know this happened. She woke up to have a smoke (fuck eating breakfast first) and realized something was wrong when the cigarette wasn't staying on her lip. I can only imagine that when she looked in the mirror, she looked like the black guy from Poltergeist when he was hanging out in the bathroom. The lights get really hot and he starts ripping his face off. I'm sure that's what she thought of when she looked in the mirror...that is if she had ever seen the movie.
The thing that I found funny was that the transplant's face was from a woman who killed herself. Even though Isabelle denies she was trying to kill herself, let me remind you that a DOG ATE HER FACE!!! The best part about this is this woman's got a second chance and she's already fucking it up. Dr. Dubernard, one of the doctor's who did the surgery said, "In hiding, she smokes cigarette after cigarette." Apparently she loves to smoke, so much that if she continues, it could cause complications. At this point in time, I really don't think she cares.
What have we learned about this whole experience?
- Science is a strange thing.
- Drugs are a strange thing.
- She won't get work now because she's got the face like the bottom of a dumpster.
- She will never get laid again unless the guy is blind or she puts a paper bag over her head.
- The only thing she's got going for her is that she will never have to pay for another Halloween costume.
- The last and final thing...never...EVER own a dog.
24 comments:
Wow. She's going to have it rough. Although not as rough as the guy who got his face, testicles, all his fingers, his buttocks, and his foot ripped off by two chimps who escaped from captivity. Then there's Timothy Treadwell, the man who lived with bears in Alaska for several summers until one mauled him to death. He won't have it rough.
But I disagree that disfigured people can't find good jobs. There's telemarketing, radio DJing, and internet blogging. And there's the special duty to serve as a perpetual warning to the rest of us.
But if these stories teach us one thing, it's that people are delicious.
That link is supposed to go here: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/03/04/national/main678061.shtml
oK, a few things. Dan, first of all you didn't capitalize "God", but you did cap "George Cooney" priorities man.... I will agree, never own a dog.
wait, i am not done yet. There is nothing a hate more then reading about people that have such an affinity for self destruction that they can not stop smoking even if it will directly effect their imediate health i.e. die right away. How stupid can you be,. "ahh, should i stop smoking or keep smoking and have my face transplant shrivle up and fall off my face? Well as long a i can still smoke!" It makes me sick. My in laws are smokers, my dad used to be, i know a lot of good people that smoke, but that part of them is the dumbest thing i have ever seen. I just don't understand how educated intellegent people can think it is ok to stand outside in 10 below for 15 minutes, 10 times a day just to shorten their lives. I really don't think we are getting the whole story with this lady. nobody gets their face eaten by a dog and doesn't realize it. come on!
But her eyes sparkle like the wine!
I find it rather difficult to be angry at this woman with my usual vexive bombast. However, I do not see this woman as a victim. I simply think the story is so goddamned funny, that it would make an excellent movie! A real dark comedy!
The title could be 'The Things We Just Can't Face' and it could star Ellen Barkin as the troubled, lower-class waitress Isabelle, struggling with a hand-to-mouth lifestyle and raising two sons.
Her problems are exacerbated by an increasing addiction to Percodan that she steals from her crippled, aging father that used to mentally torment her as a child (Ed Asner would be a suitable choice). He was/is a deranged veterinarian that would take pleasure in harming and torturing animals in front of his tearful daughter.
Years later, she gets a Great Dane that she absolutely adores and showers with affection, despite the awful temperment and disposition that it acquired through neglect and abuse from previous owners. It's all part of the wreckage of her damaged psyche-adopting a pet that could kill her-and an excellent home security system to protect her in the low-rent, cracked out community she and her children inhabit out of necessity.
Enter the 'Love Interest'(played by a pre-rehab Colin Farrel, complete with binge drinking induced man-boobs), who despite his charm and youthful good-looks, is completely wrong for her. He's a lying ne'er-do-well, who takes money from her, fills her children with empty promises, and balls her co-worker at the diner (Michelle Williams).
Her oldest child gets suspended from school for fighting, and she worries that the absence of a Father, coupled with her erratic work schedule, is the root of his obvious anti-social behavior.
As if all this weren't enough, her neighbors are becoming increasingly litigious about an incident involving her dog and their child. Everytime she walks in and out of the door, the crazed and angered patriarch walks out into the hallway to accost her (James Caan in a wife-beater).
With all of this happening in such a short span of time, our protagonist decides she's had enough and gulps down a handful of Percodan's, and washes it down with a 16oz can of beer (which ever one wins the product placement bid with the highest financial backing).
In a hazy stupor, she remembers that tomorrow is her son's birthday, and proceeds to try and bake him a cake. Isabelle mixes the powder sloppily. But once that chocolate aroma hits her nostrils, she becomes hungry. She has not eaten for days, so she begins to lick the whisp. It tastes so good, she begins scooping it out of the bowl and licking it off her fingers (there's the hand-to-mouth metaphor). She is so engrossed in eating the mix, it's all over her face.
We all know what happens next, but it's worth mentioning the irony of the Father/Dog background.
Except our story ends with her getting a new face, and assuming the identity of the previous owner, giving her a new bank account and portfolio. She leaves the ghetto, cuts all contact with her past, and begins a new life. Talaented plastic surgeons turn her into a sexy vixen (the role is now turned over to Cameron Diaz)and guess what?!? She marries a Prince! The End.
Try to be kind, qhunt. Self-destruction is actually self-loathing and can cancel out all intelligence, even among the brilliant, or otherwise smart people. And besides, why be mad when the self-destructives provide far greater entertainment???
Also keep in mind that what makes it all funny is a soundtrack that is carnivalesque (think'Curb Your Enthusiasim' or 'Pee-Wee's Big Adventure' themes) and not some maudlin, trendy, fake-ass 'Coldplay' knock-off that is prevelant in many of todays sad-but-funny movies. No Nick Drake here, buster. Just Bob Denver dressed as Gilligan, playing the accordian. On acid.
Quaig, I compliment your creativity and insight. You either have a lot of time on your hands or an incredibly quick witted mind. Either way, hats off to you. You also have a dizzying capacity for mainstream media. keep it up my good man, keep it up.
you are right. I shouldn't let it bug be so much. but i hate smoke, i hate when people smoke and then complain they have no money. i am sure you see my point.
Quentin,
I did have my priorities straight...that's why I capitalized Clooney (or you may know him as Cooney) and not god.
Dan,
I hope you are not inferring that George Clooney (sorry about my spelling) is higher than God?
Yes...I am. It's George Clooney.
sad
Not really...I don't think it's sad so in a sense you are telling me that my faith is wrong. That having faith in something is wrong because it's not your faith.
tsk tsk, it never ends. Guys sitting around nit picking a girls looks. hahaaa kidding. umm ya, "clint orus" her eyes really do sparkle don't they... I'm glad you took the time to notice.
As for qhunt, I agree with you about the smoking. I'm personally a ex-smoker, did it when I was younger and had to stop or I wasn't going to get my heart surgery... to this day, I'm happy I did so.
Oh and quaig... that was awesome. Thank you for writing all that, you've got a great imagination, and great attention for detail.
Last but not least, thank you to kagroo for sharing such a great picture that will haunt me for ages. Talk about using the right skin care... she's like the poster child for what not to do. I'm very curious as to why the dog thought she would be a great feast, and why he ended with the face? Thought provoking indeed...
Oh and George Clooney, ya not so good looking.
Oh dear, Lord. People, please. I used to enjoy reading the comments in here. They used to be humorous.
Dan, I still love your blog and will continue to read it.
As for the rest of you, you just aren't up to par with Dan's quality. In fact, you're dragging this blog down.
Well put J. Amen, brother!
You've caught on to my plan!
You're right. I could tighten it up a bit, be more succinct. I get itchy fingers and love rants a bit too much.
Tell you what, I'll knock it off, provided you can drop the "Attaboy Dan" posts that are about as fun to read as the backs of cereal boxes.
Deal?
Done and done.
you know me dan, I am not trying to piss any one off. but i have patients that worship celebs, like George Clooney, that is why i said "sad". The people that worship a celeb like it is a faith, are sad. I know you kow what i am talking about.
Quentin,
If I really cared what everyone said...i would have but a bullet in my brain a long time ago.
I know you are a your own man, and don't listen to all the BS that people have to say. I would never accuse of "going with the crowd". On the contrary, I have known you to hate stuff just because other people like it.
The thing about these comments, it is hard to show sarcasm, or emotion. You know I am proud of my faith, but I would never condemn any of my friends for their beliefs, if I did, I would have told you, Bram and the rest of my friends to shove it a long time ago.
I only said that because you made the comment about me forgetting to type God instead of god...I don't work so I had to entertain myself somehow. What a Jerk I am
also...Randy is funny. I don't care what anyone says...he can still make me laugh.
he is funny, mostly when he doesn't mean to be. Randy is a good guy though. He made a very proud, and sometimes confused, brother out of me!
oh hell no!
what's up dog?
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