Doc is gonna love me for this but it has to be told. I've gotten too many questions and comments about the Pheromones Theory and I think it's time that the story be told.
The Pheromones Theory is something that my friend John and I created. It was something we had noticed as we studied him with women but it didn’t become official until we locked ourselves in the study, reading numerous books, guides, charts and other various learning devices to come to this conclusion: The Doc is able to secrete Pheromones. I know what you are thinking, "That's really funny Dan, you're a jokester." A joke my friend this is not. This is actually true. This is something that you've only seen in movies or heard about in legend but it's true. IT'S TRUE! He's a King Cobra, hypnotizing the ladies with his magical, noise tail. Waiting until they sway in it's music until he strikes. Clinching his fangs into their tender neck. I've seen him with ex-acquaintances. Women that should absolutely hate his fucking guts but after five minutes they are laughing with him, sitting down and sharing a pint. It blows my mind every time I see it happen.
Some witnesses have said to see the Doc's neck bulge out, like a bullfrog, releasing a piercing cry and emit some type of yellowish, colored gas from his glands. Men run when they see this because they know that their fate lies in his hands. That women would never look at them the same so it's easier to hide and observe. Women inhale the gas and are paralyzed, stunned in lust, all wanting a minute with him. A minute they had been dreaming about their whole lives. The one only read about in fairy tales...
Ok...maybe...just maybe this is an exaggeration but to every exaggeration there is some truth. I have seen him perform miracles but it may not be due to the pheromones. It could be because he's charming, handsome and has a huge dick. What the fuck am I talking about, he’s none of those. I am calling you out Doc. Let the world know of your secret. The day Sasquatch comes out of hiding, will be the day that Doc finally confesses he has the ability to secret Pheromones and that’s the day I will be able to finally sleep at night. I wait for the slumber.
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32 comments:
Come on, Doc! Tell us your secrets. Write a tell-all book. Give lessons. Something. Please. I need your help.
It can't all be your enormous bone. But if it is, I know a director who'd love to meet you.
Pheromones do not exist. At least not on the human level. If there has ever been an instance that someone has witnessed me laughing it up with a pretty lady, it was probably just beacause she was drunk... All theorists should keep one enlightening fact in mind: I am 29 and still blatantly single.
As for the theory on the bone:
1) It's a curse. Large sized condoms cost like $2 more a box. I'll never be rich.
2) What kind of films has your friend directed, Jeff? (Joking.)
Now... I need to go meet with Dave to getmy libel suit ready. You'll be receiving a court summons soon enough, McCauley.
Libel! Doc, I'd be glad to help. But let's look at the cause of action and possible defenses.
First of all for a libel suit your reputation has to have been damaged. Where as it may be damaging to relate the sexual exploits of a woman, it is not as damaging to a man. As a matter of fact relating a story of a man's sexaual prowess is probably more likely considered a benefit.
But here is the real stinger. Truth is always a defense to libel. If it can be shown that Dan speaks the truth, then you have no case.
doc - call me anytime. my number is 1 900 909 ...
Doc's right, guys. Pheromone studies have all been conducted using small mammals, like hampsters, and therefore non-conclusive towards theories involving specific humans and their ability to attract others.
When a female goes to see a movie with an attractive male lead such as Brad Pitt, the ushers don't issue Mr. Pitt's used gym socks to the girls sitting in the dark theater in freshly dampened seats. No, sir, Mr. Pitt is purely eye-candy in motion on an otherwise blank screen; a projected image of symmetry towering over impressionable minds. Does this mean that the Doc's physical attributes are the only thing that have helped him accrue that many notches in his bed post? No. I refuse to reduce the good Doctor to the lowly title of "Himbo".
Doc's secret is called charisma, which to my knowledge is equal parts self-confidence, and the ability to make others feel good about themselves. Sure, one could argue that the gift of gab, a sense of humor,excellent hygene, being physically fit, and updating one's wardrobe every friday afternoon would elevate someones desirability significantly, but without conidence and helping others to feel good (two traits Doc has cultivated over the years), the other traits are merely the "manscaping" tendencies of the truly vain and otherwise useless.
But, let me offer these caveats (sorry, Doc):
First, a majority (not all, but most)of these females, although physically alluring, are pure oatmeal from the eyebrows up. They're the type of women who take Destiny's Child lyrics to heart, looking for handsome "ballers" who could conceivably attain the earning potential of someone whose pockets are "full grown". They don't like to read, unless it's Harry Potter or "10 Ways to Make Him Squel Like a Pig" in the latest issue of 'Cosmopolitan'. Weened on "Dawson's Creek", they really miss "Sex in the City", but the "OC" and "Laguna Beach" have managed to fill that void.
This is by no means an insult to the Doc. Afterall, why do you think "Ejaculation Equals Enlightenment" is his motto? But it is worth noting that these specimens are usually beneath his intelligence and talents. Simply put, they have NO SOUL.
We, his more average friends, walk away impressed, shake our heads in disbelief and say "Good for him" while we go home empty handed. But the Doc...after he's finished, he actually has to TALK to these succubi.
Secondly, am I the only one here who feels like I'm playing in the Special Olympics, and Doc's pretending to be missing a chromosome to get the Gold? No, seriously, it's like Shaq in the CBA!No one likes to admit it (least of all me, about myself!), but the Doc's buddies are AVERAGE LOOKING DUDES.Not ugly. Not pretty. But average, nonetheless.
True, it's a marker of how loyal he is; the fact that he should have been on the farm leagues roster years ago, but stuck around to play t-ball cause he liked our company. Even so, he's knockin' them past the nervous outfielders who were taught to play it shallow on that level of competition.
Now, I recognize that this all might sound a little harsh, and maybe make me seem a tad bit green. But those who react with those feelings miss the point: The Doc is a very bright guy who learned to play the cards he was dealt, have a positive impact on those around him, and create a culture around him that promoted his ultimate victory.
If you don't believe me, I defy you to find another blog were the other chimps post musings on the alpha's penis.
So, Doc... Why would someone of your obvious intelligence (based on your posts) and charisma (based on your buddies' comments) choose airheaded, soulless bimbos? I can't imagine that a man who (again, based on posts here) has so much going for him would be incapable of finding an intelligent and pretty woman with a soul. There is something else going on here, and I must admit, I'm curious as to what that is.
So Doc...why is that you are "29 and still blatantly single"? What's going on in that psyche of yours? Or is that dick of yours really so big that it rules your brain (and your heart, for that matter)?
Wait a minute, gentlemen. There is something we haven't yet considered. And perhaps, Christine, you can prove or disprove this theory.
Can women size up a man just by looking at him? Is it possible that all these ladies who get cozy with the Doc are doing it because instinctively they know that he's got a Magnum in his pocket with their names on it?
Oh dear God people really responded to this one. As far as the Pheromone Theory goes...I'm right you mother fuckers. Don't ever doubt what I say on this.
"This should be taken as law. If you don't want to follow this law, get the fuck out."
This can be found in Chapter 12, verse 32 of my life.
I only dispute the Pheromone Theory, in part, because I once knew a guy who stole a bottle of manufactured pheromones from an friend, and would apply it WITH Draccar. To no avail. Poor bastard had alot of money, too.
Did the guy buy it on QVC? It seems like something you would buy in the back of a porn magazine, right beside the Penis Pump and "Real" woman's pussy.
I must go. I must go buy some Sex Panther cologne.
Everyone! The argument is over!
DAN IS RIGHT.
The proof is here at the Athena Institute. And don't forget to check out the picture of the woman who discovered them, Dr. Winnifred Cutler. If anyone has ever needed pheromones, it is Dr. Cutler.
So it seems that the Doc has been purchasing some of Dr. Winnifred Cutler's love potion (which you can get here) and mixing it with his aftershave. Either that or he's her pheromone supplier. Squeezing out drops for dollars.
This is the equivalent of doping. The Olympics would never allow it. Baseball would never allow it.
Doc, you already have a large man-hammer. Do you really need to use pheromones, too? And then you pulled a Canseco and tried to deny it. Unfair, my friend. Unfair.
I will have to say that J's post did help prove what i was saying here. I do have to comment that the Doc does not use it. His are all natural which has led us to the conclusion that he is Dr. Cuttler's supplier. You ever wonder how he can have such a high bar tab? And I'm done.
J-
I'm not Christine, but I may be the only other female here.
In response to your question: No, you can't "size up" a man just by looking at him (unless he's wearing really tight pants, and what woman wants a man with really tight pants?). However, sometimes you can tell by talking to a man. It's usually a confidence thing - and not the faux cockiness (no pun intended) of some men with small-dick syndrome who feel they need to overcompensate for their tiny penis.
And, while I'm on the topic, a big dick does not necessarily make one good in bed.
As far as the Doc, my guess is that women are attracted to his confidence, first and foremost. Women like confident (not smug) men. I've dated men like the Doc seems to be: handsome, intelligent, charismatic, charming (at first)... but then they suck in actual relationships. Perhaps it's fear, perhaps it's just that they want to be alone... It depends on the guy.
But I assure you, most women do not want to be with a guy because they look at him and assume he has a big dick. Women want more than that (we are emotional creatures, after all).
Of course, a big dick doesn't hurt... (again, no pun intended)
Or, maybe it's the frickin' pheromones.
Christ, this got out of hand.
Redpoe: I can't tell if I'm sensing hostility or simply blunt curiosity from you. Since I don't know you yet, I'll reserve all my responses and thoughts to your musings until another time.
Quaig: You're a gentleman and a scholar, but your tendency toward self-deprication is not well founded. All of my friends are what provided that "confidence" that you speak of. And every one of my friends have always been gifted with high cheekbones and sexy ankles. Each and every one of my friends (and all of you are included in this - except perhaps Redpoe, who I'm still unsure of) have to looks to make straight men question themselves. Look at Jason Denton... I think John did that to him.
Doc's "psyche"... Not today.
ok, i have to throw my hat into the ring. I am going to have to agree with quaig, the calliber of women in question have been known to be ...ah, how do i put it... sub-par. Nate, you are my boy, no offense man, but allow me to count the ways. 1. Bridgette Bush in high school, come on man, even underclassmen wouldn't touch that stuff. 2. Candice Anderson, now she was a real....wait, that was my HS girlfriend, you prick!! how could you. 3. Lesley Zeekley, I don't care how hot a girl is, if she plays defense like Lesley I would rather date my sister. 4. Jen Lane, lets face it Nate, she may have a bigger rig than you. and this is just off the top of my head. I am sure the list goes on. and it does. Then there your garden variety Connie Stienbachs and Natasha Hesters, and lets not forget Angie Poling and 3 of her goth friends in 1994.. ah-ha, you thought i forgot about that, well no sir. Answer me this, do you still have the nose ring and black finger nails from that cold fall night behind the Colt Center? Shameful, but does it end there? No, this rampage went on for a decade. Nate was the giver of purpose to all the girls who never won a spelling bee, never made the volleyball team, never were felt up by Mr. Cashen in psychology class, never were taken to the 8th grade dance by a guy who's shirt looked like the table cloth, never could quite wash out the brown skids in their panties. Yes, he was the supplier of hope for the have-nots. so after this verbal lashing, i must conceit and say, hats of to you Doc, hats off.
Dang. I really should proofread my stuff before I post it.
But I now I think I understand Redpoe's post. I appreciate the fact that you haven't allowed this thread of conversation to completely damn me as a person. I've been the shallow jerk that has sucked at relationships that you talk about. I won't say that I was too young to know what I was doing, because I don't know that that's a valid excuse. But I will tell you that I have quite a few regrets. I recognize the fact that I've been a complete asshole before, and (I'm hoping that this is contrary to the type of bad guy that you're talking about) I believe I've learned a few things from my mistakes.
Who knows? But don't believe the simplistic statement that every girl I've dated has been cutesy, dumb, and soulless. What would that make me? Worse than an idiot, I'm sure.
Being "blatantly single" comes more from the hope to settle down with an amazing person, than it does a desire to remain constantly available. I promise. I'll admit that I spend too much times in bars probably, and that lends itself to some relatively disposable relationships, but these relationships - however short/futile/worthless - are not a valid indicator of my character. At least I hope not.
Does this Doc character of which you speak really have super powers unknown to us mere mortals? Or could it be that some on this blog are nothing more than a "damsel in distress", waiting for their hero, this Doc to come and rescue them from the quagmire?
This Doctor maybe brilliant at the art of allure, and even has aspirations of being a famous author. Also from what I know of this Doctor, he once served this fair nation of ours in the United States Navy. Does this sound familiar? I pose a trivia question for the Corner Bar, what famous author once served his country in the Navy and then became a best selling author? Drum roll please.....................................L Ron Hubbard,
so would that make Nat...I mean the Doc, a level 4 Faten (sp?) in the throws of the great church of Cruise & Travolta?
Ponder this, maybe it's is not the Pheromones Doc possesses but a mental power, far beyond the realm of this Universe.
Qhunt:
Most of the women you mention I barely spoke to, never dated, and defintely never slept with. Actually, there is only 1 girl on the list that you've posted that I even kissed... And that was (as you've said) in high school. I'll hope that all the rest was just said in jest...
If it's not, while "you're my boy", you may also be an idiot.
Mental note: Don't ever write about the Doc again. As this has stiumlated a huge topic many of you have missed the point. I really don't think that he secretes pheromones. I was joking around. It was meant to be funny...laugh...but whatever. Who am I to judge the audience. People that Shakespeare was a good writer too and look where it got him...DEAD.
Doc-
Sorry; I know you don't know me - there was no hostility directed at you. I have been known to have a predisposition toward choosing the wrong men, so I confess: there may be some hostility toward those wrong men in general.
But as to you, just "blunt curiosity". My written words almost always come off more blunt or harsh than they would in person, for some reason.
Oh, and if you're wondering where the hell I came from, I have read this blog for a while now (sporadically), and I had posted the question about the theory (response to the audio post)that inspired Dan to create this particular post. So, I felt like I help to open the can of worms, so I figured I'd stick my nose right into it.
I hope I didn't offend.
Absolutely none taken, Redpoe. I appreciate your comments.
See! See! Even in the face of a potential enemy, the Doc "appreciates" redpoes post! That's about as James Bondian as you can possibly get (i.e. charming). The sophisticated, wordly, suave man of mystery using words like a murderous surgeon to intice the femme fetale, draw her out and possibly seduce her!!! This, my friends, is charisma!! redpoe cannot smell him!
I don't know who anonomous is, but I adore the L. Ron Hubbard comparison!!! Fresh out of the Navy, with aspirations of becoming an author, he "converts" some co-eds to carry on his beliefs. Soon, there are spots in cyber-space that debate the reality/myth of the founder of the Church of Pheromonology.
I'm not attacking anyone, I just want to seperate myth from reality. Or myth from my reality. Or my myth from your reality,etc...
doc, that wasn't my real number above, but you can im me and i'll give it to you.
See even women of the internet throw themselves at this Man. I am telling you right now, Doc, Christine is the one for you. She is the one too do couch gymnastics for on national TV
Christine and redpoe are either having fun undermining the rest of us, or the Doc has officially developed the art of 'seducing without seducing'.
Next thing you know, we'll see him lambasting Matt Lauer for knowing nothing about psychology!
C'mon! I can't speak for all, but this isn't as malicious as some think it is. Fun is fun. I love this blog. I love the man.
But try not to sound like sychophants, writing about another man's Ovary Baster. It sounds like you're drooling on your keyboards.
i am curious to know who redpoe is...if i know her at all. Anonymous, I like the cut of your jib but I still don't know who you are either. Quaig, I know who you are. I've heard your stories. They've made it west of the Mighty Mississippi.
Yikes. This thing continues to grow and grow. But I'll definitely agree with Quaig and Kagroo on one note: This was all started in good fun. I'll reiterate that no offense has been taken (even from you, qhunt), and though I may overthink some of the 20-something comments posted here for a while, I'm sure that my faithful bone and I will pull through.
Now, I have to IM Christine...
And that, everyone, is what's great about the Doc: when it gets really, really hard, he can pull it off.
Doc, lol, man, you had to of known i was joking when i started the list with Bridgett and Candice. why the heck would i though Natasha Hester in there? ha ha, it is funny to think that you took some of that seriously. sorry man, I was trying to be over the top sarcastic, i guess i failed. I will be more blunt next time. see you at the gym sometime. ahh... I mean.... talk to you later, I don't want any one to get the wrong idea.
Quentin,
YOu bastard. I just read your comment about the guy wearing a shirt that looked like a table cloth. Not cool man.
Sorry, Dan; you don't know me. I'm just a chick who spends waaay too much time on the computer. Your blog came up in a search for the Corner Bar in Kalamazoo several months ago. It peaked my curiosity, and your intelligence and wit kept me coming back. And no, I'm not kissing ass. *wink,wink*
dan,
lol, I was hoping you would read that comment!! YES!! i love it
Q
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