My first date with Kelly Clarkson

I was really nervous picking up Kelly in my white 99 Dodge Neon. For once, in about a year, I really cleaned it out. I even bought one of those nice little air freshners, the one that looks like a pine tree. If she only knew that I had done that. I don't do that for anyone.

I went to the front door and rang the doorbell. I couldn't really hear anything because my heart was pounding so hard. I wasn't sure if she would like Tulips or Daisies so I bought them both doing the typical movie scene, holding them behind my back.

She answered the door. She looked amazing, though I'm sure she would look good in anything. I handed her the flowers and to my suprise she liked them, all of them. She invited me in and told me she just had to finish something up before we left. I looked around and her house had a nice Southern feel to it. Like something you'd want your kids to grow up in.

"Do you want something to drink," she said as she poked her head around the corner.
"Sure."
"Great, I made this drink last night and I think you'll really enjoy it."

She walked from the kitchen with a glass filled with a red drink.

"Enjoy."

I took the drink from her and sipped from the rim of the glass. It tasted dry, like when you put your tongue on a piece of paper towel, but I did not want to upset her so I continued to drink. I could see the anticipation in her eyes.

"Boy you were thirsty," she said as she took the glass from me.
"I don't have a Kool-Aide mustache do I?"

She covered her mouth as she giggled and said in her cute southern accent,
"Yeah, but it's cute."

She went into the Kitchen and came back with a wet napkin. She wiped the corners of my mouth. Her soft hand grazed my cheek. My face started to get warm. The room started to spin. Is this what love feels like? Am I in love with her? The room started spinning faster and faster and my face started to feel like it was on fire. I lost my balance and crashed to the floor. I started fading in and out until I was knocked out.

When I woke up, I was tied to a wood chair. From behind me I heard a voice.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you...much."
"What's going on? Why did you tie me up?"
"Well Daniel, is it ok if I call you Daniel? There are two reasons why I did this two you. The first reason is that I don't like Tulips and I really, really hate Daisies. If you knew anything about me you would have known that. The other reason is because of something you said about a friend of mine."
"What are you talking about? Are you crazy?"
"No, I'm not crazy at all. I am just sick of guys like you thinking you can be all cute and nice to me and get away with it."
"What did I do? What did I say?"
"Oh, you don't remember? Playing innocent huh? Do you remember when you told her friend Dana that you said that Mr. T is getting old?"
"No, I don't."
"Well you did. I happen to be friends with the bartender at the bar you were at when you told her that."

I broke out in a cold sweat. It was like everything I had been waiting for has turned into a cup of sour milk. How was I supposed to know that she was friends with Mr. T and how was I supposed to know that he was so sensitive about his age. Kelly's phone rings and she answers it.

"Hey you. I have him here. Are you coming over?"

Was she talking to Mr. T? Holy shit was he coming over? I wonder if I could get his autograph. No, focus Dan. I have a feeling that this isn't going to turn out good. I look around the room for something to grab onto. How could have I forgotten my Swiss Army Knife? She didn't even take it. Man, she's not a very good villian. It just so happens that my knife is in my back pocket. Luckily when Kelly talks, she doesn't pay much attention to what's going on around her. I was able to cut through the rope. She really needs to get stronger rope in the future. I cut my body free from the chair. I pick up the chair and raise it above my head. I bring it crashing down over her back. It shatters into a million pieces and she goes crashing to the ground. The phone slides across the concrete pavement. I walk over to it and pick it up. I hear Mr. T blabbering on the phone.

"Mr. T, this is Dan. I'm sorry to inform you but I've just foiled your plans."
"Dan, I wasn't going to do anything bad to you, fool. I just had baked a nice warm chocolate cake in my E-Z back oven and I wanted to bring it over to you."

In a way, his voice was soothing but I would not fall for his trickery.

"Mr. T,I know you don't know how to use an E-Z back oven. Nice try. I'm out of here."

I hung up the phone and threw it on the floor. Kelly looked so pretty on laying there knocked out. I got down on one knee and leaned in and kissed her on her lips.
"I'm sorry Kelly, I don't think there will be a second date."

I stood up and ran up the stairs. I found myself standing in the living room standing in front of a huge window. I took a couple steps back and then made a dash towards the window. I jumped through the window, glass falling everywhere. I was able to make a perfect landing on the soft, green grass outide. I tied up a loose shoe string and ran off into the sunset. This is the last time I will ever date a muscian.