It's that time of year when I have to update this piece of paper that somewhat justifies my life's work. That I have to sell myself, in ink, to someone who has too much power for their ability to work. Usually it's the fucking idiots who hire you and you have to kiss their asses. I'm sick of kissing asses unless it's a fine, Mexican whore.
Really...who came up with this?
OBJECTIVE To obtain a full time position in a professional setting
Yes...read it. Re-read it. Look at your old resume. This is the most generic thing on a resume and yet it is required. If you don't have something like this you are deemed un-professional and they move on to the next one. If you don't have this you have broken some type of business law that will have your fingers bleeding, your first born eaten by a rabid dog. If you don't have this then you don't have anything at all. You are worthless. Pointless. Scum of the earth.
A resume has you lying. Ok, not lying so much but the extension of the truth.
"How can I make my job serving burgers sound appealing? I know"
- Helped customers achieve maximum satisfaction.
- Light paper work and assisted management on payroll.
- Microsoft Word
- Made sure there were extra pickles on shit head's burger.
- Handed out paychecks when they came in.
- Looked up porn on my lunch break.
See attached file.
3 comments:
I don't have an objective on my resume anymore. It takes up too much space, and it tells them what they already know: I want a job. Surprise, surprise. I didn't send it so that you could fill your trashcan.
I am glad that I have WMU on my resume though. That got me an interview and it eventually turned into a job.
The worst part about resumes to me is the super-expensive paper. Who came up with that? Like it makes a difference. How ridiculous. It's just gonna end up in the trash anyway. If I need to print one it's on plain paper. But thank goodness everything is digital nowdays. I'll email you a PDF file, and you'll like it.
Perhaps my best job interview ever was with the law firm that I worked at right after I graduated from law school. I sat down in the partner's office, he didn't even talk to me. He just handed me a file and said that he needed a motion and told me to draft it and bring it back to him the next day.
When I returned the next day with the motion he looked at it told me it was shit and asked me to fix it. I saw a woman at the law library that I graduated with, and she was doing the same thing for the same partner.
Dammit, now I had competition. Eventually, the partner told me that I could work on the motion in the extra office in the firm. Then he would bring me in other stuff to work on. He never told me that I had the job. He just walked in one day and asked me if I was keeping track of my time, and then he would periodically pay me.
Q, you might have to call him too. One day I asked him what he thought of my performance. He said, "It's not as if you are dumb, I can see that you are pretty intelligent, but the shit that you write sucks."
I kept sending out resumes. Damn expensive paper.
Dave,
this guy is a moron! he obviously doesn't know good imaginative and descriptive writing. i guess that is why he is a lawyer, no offense dave. I would be more that happy to give my comments to these nay-sayers. i am sure they will listen to a hourly paid, glorified games player, rec therapist, that dislikes his job. why wouldn't they?
Dan, i hate resuemes too. I could fill 3-4 pages of crap i have done in my day, but i have to sweeze it into one and hope that is what they are looking for. I am in the mist of job hunting right now too. i don't think a resume truly represents a person with personality and charisma.....do you?
Q
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