"Ha, I Kill Me"

I was standing in Eddie Bauer folding clothes, because that's what I do half the time, watching the front door greeting people. I do get some interesting people come into the store since it's in a mall, on the stip, in "Sin City," but today the closest thing I got to a different world was someone from Gary, Indiana.

"Hello, how are you doing? Can I help you find something?"

The day was dragging, slow. I wish I wasn't here doing this right now. Even the people in the middle of the mall who sell fancy nail products for a cheap price wasn't helping me.

"Can I smell your nail?"

No, it's "Can I see your nail," but since she is from Bolgaria, she is having problems saying that. Though hearing that all day it can drive a man crazy. I am bored. Please, anything, someone, something, help me. I feel a tap on my side.

"Do you think you can help me find a shirt my size?"

I turn and there is no one there until I look down.

"Holy shit, it's ALF."

Oh fuck, did I say that outloud? I hope I didn't but I can't remember.

"Um, actually it's not ALF, that's just a character I played on t.v. My name is Jeff."

I guess I did say that outloud. I shake his hand and introduce myself.

"My name is Dan. What can I get for you?"

He pointed to a shirt that was on the woman's side of the store. Do I tell him that it's a woman's shirt or do I just make the sale? Fuck it, why do I care?

"Oh sure that's a great shirt."

I grab the shirt and walk it over to the register. I ring him up and he pays. Of course I forget to ask him about the Eddie Bauer credit card but I really don't think he cares about that. He starts to walk away but stops and turns around.

"What are you doing tonight kid?"

"Um, nothing. I get off in five minutes."

"Well, you are going to hang out with me tonight?"

Now at this point I wasn't sure if ALF was gay or if he was just cool and wanted to party but what do I care? IT'S ALF!!!

"Sounds good to me."

I punch out and walk out of the door with my new Alien Life Form. We walk through the mall towards the strip I heard numerous people yelling things at him.

"ALF for president!"
"Hey, you want a Whopper?"

But he was a pro. He just walked on through and ignored it all. I eventually found out that he was staying at the "Real World Suite" though I don't really consider it real, but anyway, that's just me going off on a tangent.

He was a nice guy. He asked me about my life, my family, he seemed like he really cared. I found out that he has a family. A wife and two kids. He married a former Playmate. I don't remember her name but he showed me a picture and he did himself good.

Well after an hour of walking and talking we finally got to the suite. It was kind of cool because I have never been in anything like this before. He opens the door, my anticipation like the night before Christmas. E.T. was there on the couch. E.T! But wait, this isn't right. He was getting a blow job from a woman. A hooker. How do I know? Because the money was on the table. That alien from Mac and Me, he was there too. He was passed out in the corner in his own puke. ALF walks in like this is a daily routine for him.

"So Dan, do you get high?"

"Uh..."

What do I say to that? Do I say yes I do, though I really don't, or do I stand up and say "No To Drugs?" It doesn't matter because before I could say a word he pulls out some coke and a razor blade. There are four perfect lines right in front of me. I am curious but yet again before I could do anything ALF snorts them all up. He stumbles back a little bit. It appears that it was more then he could handle. He puts both hands on his head and kind of bends over. What was going on? He started yelling. I was getting nervous. I look on the table and for some stange reason I find out that it wasn't coke, but Spic and Span. He looked at me and he had crazy eyes. He then ran into the bedroom. He made some noise in there and came back out with a cat in his hand. Oh God. Oh no this can't be happening.

"What are you doing to do with that?"

"I'm going to fucking eat it."

"But it's a cat."

"Didn't you watch the show? I eat cats."

What do I do now? It is as if I'm in a Choose Yourself Adventure. Do I turn and run for the door or do I save that cat? I couldn't let him eat that cat. I know they shed a lot but damn, it's a cat. I pick up the Lava Lamp that's sitting on a table. God it's hot and is it really Lava? No time to worry about that. I take it and smash it against his head.

"Melmac this!" I yell as I thrust the lamp against his tiny, fury head.

ALF falls to the ground. The fall only lasted a second because he's so short. I felt bad in a way but yet it was a defining moment in my life. It was as if I was saying goodbye to my childhood days. I was finally becoming a man. ALF drags his body across the floor. He lays at my feet. I hear him quietly say,

"I kill me."

I pick up the lamp one more time, lift it above my head and end his washed up life.

"No, I kill you Alf. I...kill...you."

I pick up the cat and ran out the door. I never looked back and I never wanted to. To this day I wonder what could have been, what could have happened if I would have chosen the "dark side" but then I looked at the cat I saved, who I named ALF, and it all kind of fades away. Oh crap, the cat puked again. Oh man, it's eating it's own puke. Why is there cat hair on my coat? I guess life on Melmac was never this tough.