The Rise and Fall of Such a Perfect Thing

I can't wait for this month to be over with so I can stop hearing about everyone's New Year's Resolutions. "I'm going to stop smoking." "I'm going to go on a diet." "I'm gonna stop cheating on my girlfriend." For fuck's sake. Somebody shoot me. Well only shoot me if that was your New Year's Resolution because in the long run nobody EVER follows through on them. How do I know this? Well I'd see a lot more thinner people, a lot less people smoking outside and well, you get the picture.

I do have this theory that the "Resolution" was invented by some poor guy who was sick of being nagged by his wife.

"When are you going to get off your ass and fix this sink?"
"When are you going to spend more time with me?"
"When? When? When?"

So he came up with a genius thing called a New Year's Resolution, to get the old hag off his back, to give him some time to finish watching the game or taking a nap.

"Honey, I will be more productive next year. It will be my New Year's Resloution."
"What is that?" she asks.
"It's something that I've set out for the New Year. It means that this is the one thing that I'm going to change about myself, to make me a better person. It's a promise to myself and to you. I love you so much."

And this worked. For years he was able to get out of doing things. And he lived a happy life for a very long, long time but it was perfect, too perfect because this beautiful thing will be tainted when his wife finally caught on to his little scheme. And soon after, his wall came crashing down.
"Honey, will you give me a blow job?"
"Honey, will you make me dinner?"
"Honey, will you pick me up some beer?"

To which her reply was,

"I'm sorry I've been slacking off in those areas, It will be my New Year's Resolution for next year."

And with that statement the New Year's Resolution spread throughout the world like a virus. Each man and woman using it as an excuse so people wouldn't think they were lazy, or so people would leave them alone, or so it could buy them some time in order for other's to forget. And to this day it means just as much as it did when it was first used. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. So If you really want it to mean something, don't tell anyone, especially don't tell me, because then it will actually mean something rather then just being a "New Year's Resolution."