“Do you think that God will forgive us for the things we’ve done?”
It’s a quote from the movie Man on Fire, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head lately. Not sure why. Or perhaps I know exactly why, and I simply refuse to admit it.
What happens when we take stock of the whole parade that’s been our life?
So here I am: Life starting to fall into the culturally accepted norms. No drugs (aside from booze) for about a year now. Decent job. Recent promotion. A relationship that hasn’t soured me yet. But I find myself conflicted…
Here’s why: I’ve been a complete bastard for a decent piece of my existence. Now, there’s one half of me that regrets it all; wishes that I’d listened to a conscience that often went on hiatus; loves the idea of being able to “take it all back”. But then there’s the other half. The side of me that relished the fun that went along with it. I was an asshole, but damn, I sure laughed a lot harder in those days.
I’ve been a complete idiot: Stone drunk, I drove my truck up a mountain that, from steepness alone, should have tossed me and my vehicle down the side of it. I tore through gallons and gallons of liquor on a night on Torch Lake, and flew down a winding street at 110 miles per hour, suddenly finding myself spinning in circles. By the time the truck came to a halt, I was still on the road, all parts intact. I’ve started bar fights, beat the shit out of a half-witted redneck that happened to be my roommate, put a dozen stitches in my arm when I punched through the window of my own apartment (key wouldn’t work) so I could get in to get more wine. The wine – I might add – was a $400 dollar bottle of Opus One that I stole from the country club that I was managing at the time.
And what have I learned from all of this? Not exactly sure. Or perhaps I am sure and I’m simply afraid to admit it.
Damn. I need a drink…
3 comments:
in a few weeks i plan on visiting your old mountain shrine.
i will make sure it is OK.
Make sure you bring something for the gods. If not...you will tumble down the side.
interesting, interesting indeed.
Come on Nate, you are a good guy, we all do things we feel are "less than moral" and we move on. I was not around for all the follies you mentioned above, but i do know you treat me and the people around me kindly. Except when you lose your temper on the bball court, but hey, when you play at Borgess frustration is part of the game!
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