Nirvana and Me....

After recieving the Nirvana box set for X-Mas I sit here at almost five in the morning drinking and listening to these tracks. It brings me back to the days of when I was confused. When my head was bigger then my body (Yes, I was a living bobble head) and when I wasn't invited to parties, when my friends had to ask the "host" if could go or not.

Ok, well Nirvana wasn't around back then but it's what I think of most. My insecurities. It reminds me of a day when I dedicated "Heart Shape Box" to Kelly Meninga because I didn't know what else to give her. I figured I gave her everything else, including the Kitchen sink, but it just didn't seem like it was gonna work. So who was there to guide me through this? A man who was more miserable then me and in some sick, fucked up way, I really admired him for that. I wish he hadn't killed himself but such is life. I got over it. The beauty to music is that no matter what the artist has done in the past, present or sometimes even the future, they can connect to you in a way that is really hard to explain. Their songs trigger something in our brain, that is a constant reminder of a certain place or time. It's not always a good place, sometimes it's a shitty place that we wish we'd never have to go, but either way, it's a place that's real. That keeps us alive. That keeps us wanting to breathe. To take in the life surrounding us. And even though some of these artists didn't want that same thing, they are giving it to us each and everytime we hit play on the c.d. player. To sit back and relax, and relate.

There have been times I wish I never met Kelly. There have been times when I wish I took back all of those hours we spent together. The times we talked till the wee hours of the night, but there has never been a time when I wanted to take back her "Heart Shaped Box."

The Power of Chubby...

Have you ever gotten one of those songs stuck in your head, the kind of song that just came out of no where? Then it's stuck in your head the whole day and you can't get it out. I really hate when that happens and it happened to me yesterday. It was quite an odd experience for me. I was getting ready to take my daily shower when all of the sudden "The Twist" by Cubby Checker and the Fat Boys pops into my head. Then it was like my brain put it on heavy rotation and wouldn't stop playing it, with no commercial breaks.

I finish taking my shower and dry off. I put my clothes on (Yes, I shower naked) and walk into the computer room where my brother and his girlfriend are at their computers playing a game. I start singing that song out loud when my brother asks me,

"Why have you been singing that song?"

What did he mean by that? Could he have read into my mind or was it stuck in his head too? Was this song spreading the nation?

"Why did you ask me that?"
"Because you were singing it in the shower."

Holy shit. I must have blocked it out. I had no idea that I was singing that song out loud, I only thought it was in my head. If I did that without knowing it, what else could I have done? Was this some type of government conspiracy and that song was my trigger? I don't know. I may never know. It was missing time and it was all because of "The Twist." I want those five minutes back. I want my life back Chubby. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...

As I work at a customer service job in the mall, I get to hear all of the great holiday music. It really puts me in the Christmas mood. (Yes, that was sarcasim) The thing is, the more I listen to the music, the more I realize that my sweet, innocent child hood understandstandings of the lyrics have changed. It's as if people are blind to this and I put on those sunglass from "They Live" and I'm the only one that can see. "Oh Dan, calm down. You don't know what you're talking about." I do know and if you take my hand, let me walk you down the path of enlightenment. You think you know, but you have no idea.

"Do They Know It's Christmas," is a pefect example of one of those songs you remember growing up as a child. It was written and sang by an all-star cast for the Band-Aid charity, that helped raise money for Africa. I have heard numerous people tell me that it is this great Christmas song. I don't think people really listen to the lyrics and only like it because it's a catchy tune. I'm not going to go in great detail but I think that this one part is a perfect example of what I'm trying to get across.

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time,
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life,
Where nothing ever grows,
No rain nor river flows,
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Ok, so the first thing is that it does snow in Africa. Granted it's not all over the place but there are some great ski resorts in southern Africa so there will be snow in some places for Christmas. The thing that really urks me about this song is that they are asking the question, "Do they know it's Christmas?" and my response is only this...Why would they care? Christmas is a CHRISTIAN holiday. Not everyone in the world are Christian's. Forty percent of the people who live in Africa are Islamic. Yes, I know that it was meant to raise money but do the kids now a days know that? When they hear this they probably think, "Man, that place is fucked up. No presents? I couldn't have that."

Next song is, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause." I know that Santa Claus is the dad but I mean if you think about it, what if you were that kid? "Mommy's cheating on Daddy with jolly ol' St. Nick." In my mind, that just isn't right and not something we should be playing to the young ones. A child shouldn't witness his mother cheating on his dad with anyone, especially Santa. I love getting presents but at the cost of my parents getting divorced...I'm not sure. And when he moved in with us, it would always be in the back of my mind, "Santa's only giving me these gifts so I'd be happy and then mommy would be happy and there's no way that I'd ever call him Daddy number 2."

Ok...one last song...I promise...especially since I wrote this already and for some reason it did not save. Know this one, "Santa Baby"? Yeah, it's pretty much a song about a woman trying to seduce Santa. I mean, she must know that he's married but yet she's still trying to show this man the "other side of the mountain". Come on lady...this is adultry. She must be someone who had a bad childhood. People laugh and think it's a cute song but in reality, she's trying to ruin X-Mas. Is she really that lonely that she wants to want to sleep with a man who is so old he farts dust? I guess so. What's next, giving the Easter Bunny a hand job?

Ok, so I really do love Christmas but there are just some things that bother me. I really am not that bitter...most of the time...but don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. Silver and Gold and Wonderful Christmas Time are great Amercain songs (even though Paul is English). Listen to them, learn them and live it. I promise you that you will have a much happier Christmas. So Happy Holidays to you and to all of your loved ones and the next time you see Santa making out with someone, just remember if it is worth being put on his "naughty" list or not.

My first date with Kelly Clarkson

I was really nervous picking up Kelly in my white 99 Dodge Neon. For once, in about a year, I really cleaned it out. I even bought one of those nice little air freshners, the one that looks like a pine tree. If she only knew that I had done that. I don't do that for anyone.

I went to the front door and rang the doorbell. I couldn't really hear anything because my heart was pounding so hard. I wasn't sure if she would like Tulips or Daisies so I bought them both doing the typical movie scene, holding them behind my back.

She answered the door. She looked amazing, though I'm sure she would look good in anything. I handed her the flowers and to my suprise she liked them, all of them. She invited me in and told me she just had to finish something up before we left. I looked around and her house had a nice Southern feel to it. Like something you'd want your kids to grow up in.

"Do you want something to drink," she said as she poked her head around the corner.
"Sure."
"Great, I made this drink last night and I think you'll really enjoy it."

She walked from the kitchen with a glass filled with a red drink.

"Enjoy."

I took the drink from her and sipped from the rim of the glass. It tasted dry, like when you put your tongue on a piece of paper towel, but I did not want to upset her so I continued to drink. I could see the anticipation in her eyes.

"Boy you were thirsty," she said as she took the glass from me.
"I don't have a Kool-Aide mustache do I?"

She covered her mouth as she giggled and said in her cute southern accent,
"Yeah, but it's cute."

She went into the Kitchen and came back with a wet napkin. She wiped the corners of my mouth. Her soft hand grazed my cheek. My face started to get warm. The room started to spin. Is this what love feels like? Am I in love with her? The room started spinning faster and faster and my face started to feel like it was on fire. I lost my balance and crashed to the floor. I started fading in and out until I was knocked out.

When I woke up, I was tied to a wood chair. From behind me I heard a voice.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you...much."
"What's going on? Why did you tie me up?"
"Well Daniel, is it ok if I call you Daniel? There are two reasons why I did this two you. The first reason is that I don't like Tulips and I really, really hate Daisies. If you knew anything about me you would have known that. The other reason is because of something you said about a friend of mine."
"What are you talking about? Are you crazy?"
"No, I'm not crazy at all. I am just sick of guys like you thinking you can be all cute and nice to me and get away with it."
"What did I do? What did I say?"
"Oh, you don't remember? Playing innocent huh? Do you remember when you told her friend Dana that you said that Mr. T is getting old?"
"No, I don't."
"Well you did. I happen to be friends with the bartender at the bar you were at when you told her that."

I broke out in a cold sweat. It was like everything I had been waiting for has turned into a cup of sour milk. How was I supposed to know that she was friends with Mr. T and how was I supposed to know that he was so sensitive about his age. Kelly's phone rings and she answers it.

"Hey you. I have him here. Are you coming over?"

Was she talking to Mr. T? Holy shit was he coming over? I wonder if I could get his autograph. No, focus Dan. I have a feeling that this isn't going to turn out good. I look around the room for something to grab onto. How could have I forgotten my Swiss Army Knife? She didn't even take it. Man, she's not a very good villian. It just so happens that my knife is in my back pocket. Luckily when Kelly talks, she doesn't pay much attention to what's going on around her. I was able to cut through the rope. She really needs to get stronger rope in the future. I cut my body free from the chair. I pick up the chair and raise it above my head. I bring it crashing down over her back. It shatters into a million pieces and she goes crashing to the ground. The phone slides across the concrete pavement. I walk over to it and pick it up. I hear Mr. T blabbering on the phone.

"Mr. T, this is Dan. I'm sorry to inform you but I've just foiled your plans."
"Dan, I wasn't going to do anything bad to you, fool. I just had baked a nice warm chocolate cake in my E-Z back oven and I wanted to bring it over to you."

In a way, his voice was soothing but I would not fall for his trickery.

"Mr. T,I know you don't know how to use an E-Z back oven. Nice try. I'm out of here."

I hung up the phone and threw it on the floor. Kelly looked so pretty on laying there knocked out. I got down on one knee and leaned in and kissed her on her lips.
"I'm sorry Kelly, I don't think there will be a second date."

I stood up and ran up the stairs. I found myself standing in the living room standing in front of a huge window. I took a couple steps back and then made a dash towards the window. I jumped through the window, glass falling everywhere. I was able to make a perfect landing on the soft, green grass outide. I tied up a loose shoe string and ran off into the sunset. This is the last time I will ever date a muscian.

Call me anytime...

I was watching one of my newly found treasures on t.v. the other night, Scrubs, and it was the episode where Turk got a new cell phone number that when you converted the numbers into letters it spelled "Call Turk." Well, it didn't actually spell Turk, but Tur, but that was the whole joke. It's a sitcom people.

So what do I do? Being the educated college graduate that I am, I wrote down the number so I could call it later on. When I called the number I expected to get a disconnected notice or an old lady to answer the phone but instead, I got an outgoing voicemail message from Turk. What the hell was going on? This shouldn't be happening because he's not real. I wanted to leave a message but it said that the message box was full so it turned out that I wasn't the only rocket scientist that thought it would be a good idea calling a fictional number. I wanted to believe that Turk was real but I realized that the funny people down at Scrubs knew people would call the number. They knew that someone like me, many people like me, would call it and I'm sure they are all sitting around a camp fire drinking a beer, laughing at us, knowing that deep down they would have done the same thing if they were in our shoes.

My friend John, many moons ago, did the same thing. We all remember the song, "Baby Got Back," by Sir-Mixa-Lot? One of the lyrics in the song says, "Dial 1-900-Mixa-Lot and kick them nasty thoughts." John, not listening to the lyrics, thought it said, "Dial 1-800-Sir-Mixa," and what does he do? He calls the number. It turned out that that was a number to an Escort service in New York City. We called it from any phone we could get our hands on. The call was free, so why not? We ended up calling them so much and so many times that they put a block on our area code. We were eventually denide our "Sir-Mixa" and I'm sure any chance of ever getting a New York Escort to come to Michigan.

So what is this infacuation with calling fictional characters? Do our lives really suck that bad that we need to call someone who isn't real and tell them that we enjoy watching them on a t.v. show that's not real? Or do we really have that much free time on our hands? I don't have the answers to these questions...yet...but if you want to call and chat with me about the discussion above, just give me a call at (555) 555-5555 and if you can't get through try my cell number which is (555)555-5551.

The very first one...

Well this is the first one that I'm writing. Will I continue doing this? I'm not sure. It is kind of strange how you can vent or prove a point and random strangers will read it and let you know what they think of your random thoughts.
Oh thank you world wide web for providing me with yet another thing to distract me from very important things I should be doing. Now I can write on this and tell people what I should be doing instead of actually doing it.
Hmmmmm...I didn't see if I could swear or not. I wouldn't want to say something bad and then have the FCC come down on me after they some how find a way to pass the law that will allow them to regualte internet, cable and satalite radio...so until then...SUCK IT.